ptrckrvrty

12:45 am: new xanga site
I've moved. check out the new sites

regular journal
http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=ptrckrvrty
daily devotions
http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=ptrckrvrty_purpose

04:18 am: 2005
I've noticed on a lot of blogs that people are putting up there new year resolutions/goals. Since I'm not feeling very philisophical and have nothign really to report, I will do the same.

GOALS for 2005 (in no particular importance or difficulty)
1. Find a job
2. Find a church
3. Get involved in more community service projects/volunteer
4. Find God
5. Get involved more with a hobby (other than video games)
6. Be more honest with myself
7. Forgive
8. Learn to dance
9. Find the perfect girl
10. Buy my house


#1 Find a job- For obvious reasons, I need a job. Time to get out there and join the real working world.
#2 Find a church- Trying to find a place to call home. I've had a bit of a falling out with my previous church(read the recent journal entries) SO I guess it's time to move on
#3 Get involved in more community service projects/volunteer- Soemthign I've always wanted to do and never really had time to do.
#4 Find God- With the falling out of church comes falling away form God. Time for me and Him to reconnect.
#5 Get involved more with a hobby (other than video games)- I play way too many video games. I want to be more active, maybe get back into TaeKwonDo or somethign.
#6 Be more honest with myself- I've been pretty good this year just being honest with people on how I feel, but there is always room for improvement. It's very important that people are honest with me, so I should be honest with them too, but more so I need to just learn to trust myself.
#7 Forgive- there are some people that I need to forgive. One being that bible study leader in a previous entry.
#8 Learn to dance (could go along with #5)- Yeah so Im bound and determined to get this dancing thing down eventually.
#9 Find the perfect girl- Always a goal. Althogh this one is going to take some time I think.
#10 Buy my house- I'm going to need to accomplish #1 in order to get this one.

11:25 pm: The year in reflection
It's been an interesting year. Full of ups and downs (it seems mainly downs this year), and I can't help but feel full of hope for the future. I feel as if I've grown into somethign deeper within myself, like I found something that has been lacking in my life. I don't know quite what it is that has happened, or what it is I figured out that has made me feel this way, but I'm really glad it has happened. Maybe it's a part of being older, maybe it's some form of maturity setting in. The fact is that for once in life I'm able to sit down and look at myself from the inside and analyticly think about things that have happened and found a way to learn and grow form every hardship that has come my way.

Looking back at the way I've dealt with issues this year in comparison to years past, I am no the same person. I can clearly see that. And at the same time, I know I'm still not who I'm going to be, and that is exciting. I'm at a place in life right now where I am truly free to do anything with nothign holding me back. School is finally finished and I have no real responsibilities or relationships keeping me from going anywhere or doing anythign. This doesn't mean I'm packing up and moving to Shy-town just yet(although the thought did cross my mind) I kinda like it here. I like the thought of having seasons and at least some of the friends I have here I would miss greatly. But it nice knowing that if I truly fealt the urge to get away and start my life somewhere away form here, I could with very little hinderance.

There isnt really much else to be said for 2004. It was a growing year full of lots of unexpected surprises. And i look forward to seeing what 2005 holds. Happy New Year everyone!!!!!!!!


A long december and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can’t remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven’
Now the days go by so fast
And it’s one more day up in the canyons
And it’s one more night in hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...i wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it’s one more day up in the canyons
And it’s one more night in hollywood
If you think you might come to california...i think you should
Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it’s been a long december and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it’s one more day up in the canyon
And it’s one more night in hollywood
It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean...i guess I should

08:18 pm: Benefit of the Doubt
Am I too nice of a person? This question has been plaguing me recently. This has truly been a Christmas to forget.

Let me start off by saying for the past few months I've been dating a great girl. I loved her very much. To make a long story not so long, she dumped me a week or os before Christmas. Now that is devastating in itself, I was not having an easy time, but life was going on. I reached out to my bible study leader because I trusted him and because he was friends with her and maybe he could act as a sort of mediator so that the girl and I could at least be friends. But it turns out that he just ended up getting romanticly involved with her. Once again, I'm not too overly upset, even though people tell me I should be. My thinking is if they are happy, then good for them, who am I to stand in the way? She told me about this on Thursday before Christmas.

Now Thursday night she calls me and we talk about all the things she cant stand about him. She goes on to tell me about how she misses me and still loves me, yet is still interested in him. So my head is obviously in a whirlwind,as is hers, but I try to be as non-biased as possible and I give her advice, "It sounds like you dont know what you want, just take some time off and think about what you truly want." It sounded like good advice to me and considering she was supposed to fly out of town Christmas eve, It should have been easily taken advice.

Christmas eve comes and her flight gets cancelled and who does she call to pick her up form the airport, me. So I go get her, take her out to eat and she suggests going back to her place to watch a movie. So we're sittign on her couch cuddled up under blankets watching movie Christmas eve. In the course of the evening I tell her there is still a spot open for her if she wants to come have Christmas dinner with my family, she initially said yes, but by the end of the evening we started talking about the whole her being confused on what she wanted thing again and decided that it might not be best and she'll let me know on Christmas if she wants to come over.

Christmas day i stop by (I was out running some errands and was in the area) to see if she had made up her mind. She completely freaks out and tells me no. She ended up calling my bible study leader and told him she was scared that I was stalking her so he went and got her and they spent Christmas together. By the end of the night, I've had enough and I call him and He and I sit down and discuss the whole situation form start to finish. He agrees that he shouldn't have gotten involved romanticly, and said he had no idea of the stuff she was saying to me("I love you"...). He also said I was a great person for not taking anything personally and I told him how I valued our friendship and didn't want anything to come between that. We decide its best to sit down with her and discuss (AS FRIENDS) the situation. There would be no dating on the table for either he nor I, and we decided the best thing we could do was try to support her as friends only.

The next day comes and She calls me that morning and we talk about what happened Christams and how I had no intentions of scaring her or anything I was simply seeing if she wanted to be alone on Christmas or not. We get some stuff hammered out but I wanted to wait til the 3rd party was present. So we get to the meeting spot and some of the issues got flipped. She denied saying she loved me and said she didnt want me over Christmas Eve. So to him it sounded like it was definately over and she made up her mind and then he put a relationship with him back on the table. I expressed my concern that she was rushing(I was her 5th straight BF with no sinlge downtime). and said that they should take it slow and just take time off form one another for a while, they agreed.

It turns out the time off from one another didnt last very long. I heard from a friend that they were announcing their relationship at church that night. Of all the friends I tell this tale to, they all agree, I have every right to be mad and knock someone unconscience. So am I wrong for just letting it go. The answer I wanted to know all along was did she really want to be with me, the answer to that is no, so I'm content. Im concerned they will hurt each other in the long run, I value both of them as freinds and siblings in Christ. I can't say I trust them(at least him) anymore. That will take some time to rebuild, but I don't really hold anything against them. So what's wrong with me that I'm so willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and forgive. Or is there anythign wrong with me at all.

09:52 am: Birth
"We think we understand those around us. The people we have come to know reveal patterns of behaviour, and as our expectations of that behaviour are fulfilled time and again we begin to belive we know that person's heart and soul.

I consider that an arrogant perception, for one cannot truly know the heart and soul of another, one cannot trult appreciate the perceptions another might toward similar or recounted experiences...

...Why watch the dawn? Why then, why at that particular time, instead of any other hour of daylight? Because at dawn the sun is more brilliant by far. Because at dawn, we see the resurgence after the darkness. There is my hope, for as with the sun, so it can be true of people. Those who fall can climb back up, then brighter will they shine in the eyes of those around them. I watch the dawn and think of the man i thought I knew, and pray that my perceptions were correct" - Drizzt Do'Urden
"The Spine of the World" by R.A. Salvatore

03:17 pm: a path less taken
So many have come and gone... All that remains are the ghosts haunting me of my past and the choices I have made. How many times have I walked the same road only to come to a dead end. Then to decide to turn back only to fin myself turning around again walking towards the same dead end that I know is inevitable. For what reaosn do I pace back and forth on this well worn road? Is it hope that the baricade I know is coming will be gone andI'll have clear passgae to a new and exciting life? Or is it just the familiarity of it all that brings me comfort. Comfort in knowing my surroundings, as dismal as they may turn out to be.
I continue to walk back and forth to stubborn to realize that the road doesnt just simply end. That the road just bends slightly and there is a new less traveled road around the seemingly impassibale barricade. A fresh new path to a new life I just need to open my eyes to see. Yet I trudge on back and forth to stubborn to look to the side one way or the other keeping my focus stright before me at the wall blocking my future.

Christ calls us not ot look to the side, but to keep our focus straight on Him. How many times, in heading towards His image, have I come across a barricade I simply need to walk around, but instead I do a 180 and turn completely around and go the opposite direction only to realize my mistake later on down the road.

12:50 pm: Nothing to say
This is a song about how overwhelming it feels to realize, even if only to a small extent, that God truly is God: majestic, loving, righteous, and GIGANTIC. It is exhilarating to stand on the rim of the Grand Canyon and feel such a breathtaking smallness and then remember with relief and wonder that the very Maker of creation is full of concern for someone as puny as myself.


Hey, Jamie, would you mind
Driving down this road a while
Arizona's waiting on these eyes
Rich is on the radio
And I think we ought to take it slow
Arizona's caught me by surprise

Hey, Jamie, have you heard
'A picture paints a thousand words'
But the photographs don't tell it all
I see the eagle swim the canyon sea
Creation yawns in front of me
Oh Lord, I never felt so small

And I don't believe that I believed in You as deeply as today
I reckon what I'm saying is there's nothing more
Nothing more to say

And the mountains sing Your glory hallelujah
The canyons echo sweet amazing grace
My spirit sails
The mighty gales are bellowing Your name
And I've got nothing to say
No, I've got nothing to say

Hey, Jamie, do you see
I'm broken by this majesty
So much glory in so little time
So turn off the radio
Let's listen to the songs we know
All praise to Him who reigns on high

And I don't believe that I believed in You as deeply as today
I reckon what I'm saying is there's nothing more
Nothing more to say

And the mountains sing Your glory hallelujah
The canyons echo sweet amazing grace
My spirit sails
The mighty gales are bellowing Your name
And I've got nothing to say
No, I've got nothing to say

Glory, glory hallelujah
Glory, glory hallelujah
Glory, glory hallelujah, hallelujah

And the mountains sing Your glory hallelujah
The canyons echo sweet amazing grace
My spirit sails
The mighty gales are bellowing Your name
And I've got nothing to say
No, I've got nothing to say

Hey, Jamie, would you mind
Driving down this road a while
Arizona's caught me by surprise

"Nothing to say" - Andrew Peterson

02:55 pm: Goodbye
it's difficult to say goodbye after all this time
the rain will fall down replenishing all of our broken dreams
and this burning tree that is withered will bloom again
would you believe
goodbye
walk away it's time to say goodbye
goodbye
walk away it's hard to say goodbye
now all that's left are pictures on the wall
memories and stories that are told
the more often told the bigger they get
create a legacy last we forget
goodbye
walk away it's time to say goodbye
no longer can i hold onto this defeated change in heart
it's time to sing "fare thee well" to life as we know it
my voice it will be still
something woke me up in the midst of dream and fantasy
halfway there but He always fills my cup
and he lifts me up oh how he lifts me up
goodbye
walk away it's time to say goodbye
i never took the time to stop and realize that death takes many forms
even while alive

12:29 am: another random venting session
So ive recently been involved with someone in a dating fashion. Shes a great girl with a lot to look forward to in her future, but there were a few problems between us. To make a long story short, we broke up over one huge problem and a few small ones..

Recently Ive been thinking and wondering if I made the right choice. I can see both our point of views. We've been talking again and she has basically been telling me all about what i did wrong, but the more we talk the more I don't think I did anything wrong. This brings me to tonights topic.. "Is it wrong to associate with the opposite sex while dating someone?"

On her side I can see where thats bad. It kind of leaves things hanging out there like your not serious when your words say that you are. "I love you" is not a phrase to be taken lightly and if your telling one person you love them, is it right to be hanging out with other females.

Now on to my side. I have a ton of female friends. Some I've known for 10+ years. I simply can't just flip a switch one day that forces me to abandon half of my friends. There are a few of these girls in particular that I trust with my life. I'm not dating them or hanging with them one on one, but I see them and talk to them a lot. Is it really wrong if we do hang out one on one anyways?

If you have a close friend of the opposite sex that needs something badly, whether that be emotional support or money or whatever, wouldn't you do what you could for them? Is that so wrong? Why am i the bad guy for wanting to be there for my friends. And on the converse, if i have a need and my girlfriend isn't able to be there for me, is it wrong to seek help elsewhere, even to other females. Im not talking about a big deal need, I was moving to a new house and needed help packing/cleaning. Is it wrong to seek out friends to help even if they are female?

I guess I have a hard time seeing the wrong in not dropping my true friends at the drop of a dime, friends that have been around a lot longer than I've even known my significant other. I cant ignore friends that have been there for me in the past for a girl thats never been there for me before.

Now on to the hypothetical part... I think another aspect why she has a hard time with it is she is insecure with males. I dont know about any of her exs that have remained friends with her and I dont know their whole story, but her father isn't around. Shes admitted to having trust issues with males already.

So with all this said, I've basically talked myself out of wanting to work things out with her. I simply can't bring myself to abandon my friends for a girl that I don't know for sure if shes "the one", and the only way to tell if she is, is to abandon my friends so it seems. If I was sure about her, then I would have no problem doing everything I could for her, but I simply can't be sure. The more I get to know her and the more I try to work things out with her, the more I realize that maybe we weren't meant to be.

Well thats all for now. Time for bed. Let me know your thoughts.

12:59 pm: Personal ad
Do you think that there is one person out there that God is preparing for you, or is it more of a lottery of people and we get to choose? This is the question I've been dealing with lately. The first option leans to a predestination ideal and gives way to the romantic idealism of Fate. The second gives us free will, but seems to muck things up in the whole "God's will" category. How can God have a will for us if he doesn't have a plan for us?

Fate is the most romantic of ideas in the world. The adventure of searching for your one true soul-mate, finding them and falling in love at first sight. Being a hopeless romantic I want to believe in this with all my heart. I always believed there was someone out there that would just "wow" me to the point of stupidity and complete mental breakdown on my part. But lately I'm starting to question my ideas.

Maybe God just has a template of what he wants for us and we get to choose who to fill that with and as long as they fill the template then God will have done his job. Maybe there really isn't that one person, but a small group that God will let us pick from. Maybe, since relationships aren't talked about much in the Bible, God doesn't really care who we end up with as long as they are a "helper" to us and we can honor God with our relationship. This ideology really takes the romance and adventure out of everything.

I don't have any wise declarations to make at the end of this entry, just a question. Is it possible to be in love with two people at once?

02:33 pm: What dreams may come
There isn’t much I can say that I haven’t said before. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future and everyday is a new dream that I never want to wake up from. Best friends really can become more. Sometimes it just takes a little patience and good timing. God will work all things to his good (Romans 8:28). Love is patient… and lately that’s one lesson I’ve been learning, whether I want to or not. :-)

I don’t know what God has planned for the future, but I’m glad He has allowed the now to happen. Everyday I wake up in another dream. Everything just keeps getting better and better. I never want to wake up from this feeling. Things have never felt so right. God has put an angel in my life. I thank God everyday for what He has given me. I love you my Angel.

02:32 pm: Faith
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things yet unseen. I learned that phrase from the Bible. It’s Hebrews 11:1. Faith is something I’ve been lacking a lot lately. I don’t know why, but for some reason there are just aspects of my life I can’t help but worry about. Deep inside, I want to believe that God will provide a way to get through all this, but I’ve been let down so many time sin life that I just can’t let go and feel at peace about everything.

Letting go of one’s worries is a lot easier said than done. I can go through life and pretend al I want that there is nothing bothering me, but the truth is I’m scared. The fact that I don’t know something scares me. I’ve always been the kind of person that likes to be in control, but lately God has been showing me that all this time it is Him who has been in the driver’s seat. I’m just along for the ride strapped in the child seat. That has been the biggest slap in the face lately.

For those that have been reading and checking updates, I apologize for not writing recently. Life has been taking me on some unexpected turns and I’m slowly realizing that I’m not in control of any of it. I’m not saying that life isn’t fun. Life has definitely been enjoyable lately; all of the unanswered questions just have me in a bit of a tailspin. I promised myself that I would never get into specifics on this site, but I have to break the rule a little here. I’m not writing about relationship problems, I’m writing about job/living problems. The relationship problems have all worked out for the better. That is as specific as I will get.

I guess the best thing I can say right now is that I need to just hold out and try to trust God. I HAVE to believe that he will provide a way out. He never gives us more than we can handle. I’ve never been one to be very patient… The testing of our faith produces patience (James 1:3).

12:54 pm: Deja Vu
It feels like I’ve been here before, mainly because I have. Earlier today (I guess I should say yesterday) I was on top of the world. I was out with my best friend, the girl I’ve dreamed about for so long. Now that dream is exactly that again, a dream. I woke up once again from my slumber to experience reality once more. No I take that back. That sounds too depressing, and this just isn’t that way.

Like I’ve said before, it was worth a shot. I haven’t lost anything in trying (except maybe a little sleep). I’ve gained so much more than I’ve lost. I gained a best friend. Someone I hope to keep by my side even if it’s not a romantic relationship. This is the hardest thing for me to buy into, but I have to believe it’s true. I have to believe in our friendship. My entire life I’ve dreamed about finding a girl that was more than just a date, but was my best friend. I thought I might have found that, but she’s turned into just my best friend.

I know this has happened before, but this time it seems a little easier to buy into, maybe because it has happened before, maybe because its midnight and it hasn’t really sunk in yet, or maybe because we are such good friends and I haven’t really lost anything. Right now I believe in the third option. I can’t change my feelings or dreams overnight, but pain eventually goes away. The sun shall rise tomorrow.

Well this entry is going to end a little short. I’m not in a very philosophical mood. Everything I’m thinking I’ve said before. I’m glad she was honest with her feelings (or lack thereof). I’m glad I got to know her better. If you need know more, go back to January 20th.

12:52 pm: Midnight venting session
Okay so what I said about that being my last ‘life-centered’ entry a while back wasn’t true. I’ve found that all my typing is meaningless unless I truly feel things in my heart and the only way I can feel things is if I’ve lived it. So with that said…

I find myself in a familiar situation tonight, or should I say this morning. Here I am in the wee hours of morning, wondering what’s going on in my life, pondering life’s pressing questions. I once again find myself in the state of confusion, only this time it’s not her fault it’s mine. I don’t know what to think the whole dating situation. On one hand I know we decided that things will go slow and that our relationship has deepened enough to go any further yet, but on the other I find myself slipping into old mindsets. I’ve only known one way my entire life and I can’t seem to get it through my head that things are okay. It’s okay not to cuddle up on the couch and watch movies. It’s okay to hang out with other people (not alone). It’s okay not to get a kiss goodnight. This last one shouldn’t be that hard considering the secret (not so secret anymore) promise I made to myself that the next girl I kiss will be the last girl I kiss, but I can’t help but think about it in the back of my head.

I feel so uncomfortable with all this. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. Don’t get me wrong, I am still completely head over heels for her (I’d have to be to have all these feelings and still stick it out), but it’s just hard for someone like me. I’ve been this hopeless romantic all my life. I’ve always dreamed of finding love like they do in the movies, but now I realize that true love isn’t anything like the movies. Ninety percent of the time it is not “love at first sight”. There is no music playing in the background as the two young lovers run across the field of flowers towards each other. The autumn leaves don’t fall all around them as they finally hold each other in their arms and circle endlessly as they stare into each other’s eyes. This has always been my picture of romance, but not anymore. I now realize that true love isn’t about all the glamour and glitz. True love is in respect. Yeah all the romantic stuff can be involved, but the truest love is in respecting the other person for who they are in God’s eyes, not your own.

It is this newfound respect for someone that I find myself confused. ‘Wait’ is not a word that is regularly used in my vocabulary, but the truest form of love and respect I can show right now is to just wait for God’s timing. I have to reprogram myself to think about things in God’s mindset and look at ‘us’ through God’s eyes. I’m not saying that I love her. I can’t say that yet. But if I truly believe there is a future between us (and I want to believe that with all my heart) then I have to respect her enough to slow down my mind. Only then will I be able to enjoy the time we spend together instead of just wondering what’s going on between us. Only then can I be a true friend to her.

12:50 pm: Crazy little thing called love
“I Love You.” No phrase holds as much meaning or power as that phrase holds, and yet it is thrown out there like it means nothing at all. Love is not just an emotion that can be tossed about like any other word. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” I have not yet known true love. All of my past relationships have been self-seeking. I didn’t care about the other person, I might have pretended I did, but deep down I didn’t, not the way that God intended for me to.

My entire dating life I’ve gone from girl to girl trying to impress and flatter them with gifts and meaningless actions. Of the thousand times I’ve said, “I love you”, none of them really meant anything close to love in the above definition. So what did I truly mean then? It was an act, a façade that I went though because it’s what everyone else was doing. How many times did I hear the line, “but you said you loved me” in the course of a breakup. If I truly loved her, I wouldn’t have said that until I truly knew what love was and could apply it in my life.

The truest way to show you care is to guard your heart and the heart of the person your interested in. Don’t lead them on into thinking that something is there if it is not truly there. Even if you think marriage might be at the end of the road, don’t say or do anything until it is. Patience is key. How many times have I rushed, and to what ends? How much pain could I have avoided or prevented if I had just believed then, what I believe now. Everything you don’t do today will have so much more importance when you wait until you mean it.

I’m not saying that relationships are bad. Relationships are possibly the best things in the world, but you have to be honest and trustworthy in the relationship. Don’t say what you don’t mean, and don’t lead anyone on into thinking what you’re not thinking. Just be up front, open and honest with them. Be a true friend. Maybe you’ll find out that your lives will merge into one and you’ll get married. Then you’ll have the rest of your lives to say, “I love you” and to show that you love each other. Maybe you’ll find that you weren’t meant to be together, at least you can then end it with a better understanding of each other, a deeper friendship with each other, and no regrets.

12:48 pm: Fear
Some people in this world aren’t driven by dreams or aspirations, but by fear. It is fear of a lower quality of life than they currently possess, or fear of losing something dear to them that compels them on. Tonight I began to really think about what my deepest fear was and only one thing came to mind. The thing I fear the most is losing someone I love. Nothing drives me to tears faster than thinking of losing someone close to me.

This almost happened a few years ago when my father had a stroke. I never really expressed any emotion at this, but I cried myself to sleep at night just thinking about what might have happened. I thank God everyday he is still here. Nothing scares me more than thinking about growing old and watching my future wife deteriorate before me, or worse, watching something drastic happen while she is still young. I pray that never happens, although, inevitably everyone must pass away. I wouldn’t say that I fear death, just the pain of grieving. I know in my heart that when you die you will go on to a better place and this should be cause for joy, but it still hurts to know that you will never again be able talk to that person again, to touch them, or to see them smile.

12:48 pm: For the moments I feel faint
For a while now I’ve been writing in my journal about a specific person. I’ve been going into general specifics, meaning I’m generally speaking about specific moments in m life. When I started this journal it was my goal not to let it get to involved in my life. I didn’t want story after story about me on here. It was supposed to just be general statements and maybe a story or two, but on an allegorical level. This entry will hopefully be the last ‘life-centered’ entry for a while.

The last few entries have been about one person. We made the mistake of letting things get over-complicated over the past week. We tried to have a relationship. I’ve always had this foolish notion that the girl I would marry would be my best friend first. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life getting to know someone; I want to know everything about them ahead of time. I still feel this way. Maybe this past week was due to a timing conflict, maybe it just wasn’t meant to happen. Either way I’m thankful for it. Our relationship has strengthened because of it. We may have decided that a romantic relationship isn’t in the immediate future, but we are still in a pretty good relationship. She’s turned into my best friend. Someone I can trust completely and someone I can be open and honest with.

It’s still hard not to think about ‘what might have been?’ but I think that’s still better than wondering ‘What could be?’ If it weren’t for this week, I’d still be on the outside of her life. I’d still be just a spectator. At least now I’m a part of it.

Maybe there is more for us in our future, and maybe not. All I know right now is that I am happy with God’s choice for putting her in my life. I am happy that we got to know each other this past week. I am happy I have someone I can trust and love. J

12:46 pm: Honesty
Honesty is a big deal in the world. Everyone puts a certain amount of trust in people to do what they say or to say what they’re truly thinking. If friends aren’t honest with friends, then how deep can their friendship go? If you always have to contemplate what your friend tells you and weigh it on the scales of honesty, then how good of friends can you possibly be?

I’ve often lived by the idea that not all truths are good and not all lies are bad. If there is a truth that will hurt someone deeply, then I believe you are free to hide or change the truth to shield that person form pain. This seems like a heroic ideology, but there is a converse side to it. If the lie will hurt them worse, then the truth needs to be told.

One example of a good lie is Santa Clause. Children don’t need to know right away that Santa does not exist. Chances are if you tell them the truth they will be mad and in denial for a while, but will eventually move on knowing that that lie helped bring something into their lives. One bad example of a lie is a copout. When you can’t tell someone the truth because you’re afraid you may hurt them so you come up with some cliché like “I don’t have feeling anymore”. I’ve used this cliché numerous times. This doesn’t seem like such a bad thing unless you know that what I really meant was, “I’ve found someone I like more and want to pursue something with them” We tend to shy away from the second of these statements in an attempt to vindicate ourselves later on. We feel like the second one is just too harsh to throw on someone when you you’re about to hurt them either way. This is where honesty comes in.

All relationships need to be based on a substantial amount of trust. Without that there is no relationship. With this trust comes the responsibility of being honest. Even if you think you might hurt them more. Either way you’re going to cause pain, but only one of the above statements allows the other person to respect you in the morning.

I still believe that not all truths are good and not all lies are bad, but I believe you have to honestly think about which is the better course of action. If the person you’re about to lie to finds the truth, then you’ve lost a friend. The truth will rarely lose you friends.

12:40 pm: Worth giving a shot
For those of you that look at something and wonder if it is worth trying, I say go for it. For the past week I’ve possibly been the happiest I’ve ever been. All of this was due to living in a dream. Most people can only dream that someday they will meet someone that means more to them than life itself. I’ve had the benefit not only to meet them, but also to make them a part of my life, even if it was just a short time.

I say go for it because there is nothing like the rush of seeing your lifelong (or yearlong) dream come true. Even if this dream of mine only lived for a week, it was possibly the best week of my life. I had a lot of questions throughout the week, but none could dampen my newfound enthusiasm on life. Words cannot explain what I felt through the week. Have you ever had a dream that was so great that when you woke up, all you could think about was going back to sleep so that it didn’t have to stop? That has been my week.

Tonight I woke up from my dream. I would love greatly to go back to sleep… To relive the dream, but I can’t. Lots of people try desperately to fall asleep and continue their dreams, only to find themselves living in nightmares. The problem with trying to go back to sleep is you’re living in the past. You get so caught up in one dream that you miss the great dreams you could be having. I know this from experience, but only now did it come apparent.

The pain of waking up doesn’t even compare to the joy I’ve felt this week. This may sound like one big reason to live your life conservatively and never take a chance on anything, but I say it isn’t. If you never take a chance… If you live life like you have something to lose, then you will lose nothing… You will never gain anything either. It may seem like I have gained nothing this week except a broken heart, but that just proves you’re not reading this journal fully.

Most people would just chalk this up to another love lost, or another broken heart. If you live life like this or if you try to go back to sleep, then you’re missing out on so much. You’re missing the dreams that are to come. Dreams don’t just stop coming after one. There is always a newer better dream. You just have yet to dream it. Don’t miss out on the chance to live out one dream just because you’re afraid you might wake up. Live it, and if you have to wake up then wake up go through your day and know that the next night will bring a better dream if you just let go of the last one.

I got so much more out of this than just a broken heart. I’ve finally made the decision to change my life for the better. I’ve tied up the loose ends that have been tugging at me for a while. One thing I’ve learned from the past is that God can’t work in someone’s life until their heart has been broken. Only then can he rebuild it and form it to his will. My heart has been calloused for so long, maybe this was all God’s way of making me finally understand that. That lesson alone is worth everything.

12:37 pm: Spit ends
It is finally done. I tied up the ‘loose end’. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I think she took it very well. I just couldn’t go on with anything until I knew she understood my stance and I apologized for what I’ve done. I feel as though a great burden is off my chest. Now I just have to honor my pledge to myself and never do anything like that again. I don’t see myself having that problem again.

Tonight was amazing. It was the first night that I could focus on the now instead of trying to convince myself of what I had to do. I was finally able in my mind to just forget about everything and just enjoy myself. I was a bit distant last night. I kept thinking about what I had to do, what I would say, when I would say it. I was trying to go through the entire conversation in my head, going through every possible angle to make sure what I said couldn’t be taken the wrong way and causing as little uncomfortable feelings as possible. I think it went very well.

There is one more area I need to improve in my life. My memory doesn’t work very well. I have a condition called selective memory. I randomly forget things I don’t want to remember. The one example of this in my life is remembering my checkbook when I go to church. I conveniently forget from week to week. I haven’t spent my tithe money, it is still in my budget, and I just keep forgetting to take it with me. As you can see this isn’t a severely serious problem.